The Internal Family Systems

Have you ever had the thought: “part of me feels …” ?

Turns out there is whole part of modern psychology focused on understanding humans a collection of parts. It’s called IFS, short for Internal Family Systems, and was first described by Richard Schwartz in the early 1990s. The general idea being that our internal mind can be represented a bunch of different personalities inside our head, each trying to protect or do some job for us as humans. At the core, there is a concept of Self, or the governing body of your person. When one is in control of the self one can understand what each of the parts wants and make informed decisions about actions.

There is much more to IFS, including the formation of parts from traumatic events, but I’m not a psychologist, and I’m not trained in any way with IFS except to view myself as a combination of parts. There are categories of parts that are designed for different purposes.

I was first introduced to this concept of IFS while reading “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessle Van Der Kolk. I’ve been practicing talking to my parts for over a year now, and while they are still often not in balance, I definitely am more aware of their existence in my daily interactions. This has helped me calm down or see why I’m getting too involved in a small piece of nuance.

The reason I’m writing about this is because I’ve had several conversations this week that really bring this to the front of my brain. I’ve talked to some people about defining my personal values and the conversation was so akin to IFS, I couldn’t ignore it. I had a conversation with a dear friends sister who is a psychologist who has attended an Van Der Kolk conference. I’ve also been keenly aware of my own parts playing out in my daily activities.

With all this pervasive parts talk in my week, I just wanted to call some awareness to the concept IFS and throw some interesting resources out there. In addition to The Body Keeps The Score I’ve also been reading Parts Work: An Illustrated Guide to Your Inner Life. Would recommend both.

Hope you enjoyed this weeks post on psychology. Back to normally scheduled writing next week.

Deceptively fast for … Self Deprecating Humor

Self deprecating humor is a double edged sword. On one side, being able to laugh at yourself is somewhat healthy. We are comical animals who make all sorts of weird sounds and have crazy individual tendencies, if you think you don’t, you are either lying to yourself or crazy (see Merlin Mann’s tweet on priorities)

On the other hand, we sometimes use this humor to cover up areas of insecurity. Using self deprecating humor this way can re-enforce the belief that we are broken or defective. This isn’t healthy.

I’m really fond of saying “I’m deceptively fast for how fat I am” in acro. While this isn’t a lie, it’s not a nice thing to say about myself. Firstly, I’m not overly fit, but I definitely feel fatter than other people perceive me. Secondly, people don’t need to know that I’m deceptively anything, they just need to know I have them while spotting. By continually saying I’m fat in this context I feel fatter. Not healthy!

I have a long history with self depreciating humor. My family is a teasing family, we tease each other. It’s a form of showing love, but it isn’t healthy for me. I got into the habit of hearing areas of my life where I was weird or not as good as the rest of the family. This lead me to believe that some of the teasing a jesting that I experienced was true.

I also had a rough bus in middle school where I was constantly made fun of (even to the point where I started riding my bike to school in fifth grade by myself). I got into the habit of starting conversations with the kids on the bus by insulting myself to get it out of the way. I had heard the teasing from my family and I felt like the kids on the bus lacked creativity. I used my intellectual strength to come up with witty insults for myself that the other kids hadn’t thought of.

This behavior has evolved over the years into the self deprecating humor I use continually in my life. Several of my friends have brought this up this week as I talked them about my life or about this article I was writing. All of them wanted me to stop being so self deprecating, some of them didn’t even want me to waste any time writing this post and thinking about this negative subject.

If you google the topic, you will find a mixed bag of results. A lot of the results are based off this one study that finds that have a sense of self deprecating humor is helpful for online dating, and being happy. After a bunch of reflection, I feel there is healthy self deprecation and unhealthy. Healthy: making fun of yourself in a way that pokes fun at the human experience in a healthy headspace where you aren’t looking for any reaction other than humor. Then there is unhealthy self deprecation: using yourself as an object of humor to reinforce your insecurities and hopefully have those around you be more aware of them.

I definitely do most of my self deprecation in the latter form. I’m looking for sympathy or emotional companionship and instead of asking for it. I make a joke hoping for someone to step in and defend the part of me that is wounded underneath.

In response to writing this I’m going to try do three things differently. One, I’m going to try to find humor outside of myself or other people. I don’t want to insult others, because I don’t like it when others insult me. I won’t be perfect but I will try. Two, when I do use this type of humor (which will hopefully be rare), I’m really going to do it from a genuine, detached space, and focus on the humor not the response I get from other people. Three, I’m going to continue to focus on the positive pathways in my brain (this one’s for you, GGU).

New Home

It’s taken me a fair amount of time to do this transition. I’ve been switching from LunarPages to DreamHost for a while now. LunarPages just stopped being up to date with all the technologies I needed in order to host all the projects I wanted, but I was (sort of still am) worried about moving from host to another. My primary email is associated with this domain (zacharyc.com). Also, I had a lot of secret hidden files and tools placed around the old website that I had been collecting pretty much since college (when I first started using lunar pages). Yes, that was over 13 years ago.

Lets define the type of technologist I am: I enjoy solving technical problems, but time is limited and there are too many problems for me to be an expert in all of them. I don’t want to be an email expert, but I do want email. I don’t want to be a server administrator but I do want my servers to be secure. So I pay other technologists to worry about those problems so I can worry about the ones I need to worry about. If I spent the time it would take to be an expert in those, I wouldn’t have the time to do all the other things that I want to do.

Looks like DreamHost is doing a pretty good job at meeting my needs. The move was stupid easy. When hosting a new domain on DreamHost, there is a checkbox for them to host Google Suite. All you have to do is check that box, and point the name servers to dream host and the magic works. I keep sending test emails to make sure they are still going through, but so far so good.

Also of note, I’m using a new theme here. I found it when I created a temp backup of my WordPress site on WordPress.com. The theme is called Independent Publisher 2. It’s not easily accessible from the themes download but it is public at GitHub: https://github.com/Automattic/themes/tree/master/independent-publisher-2 and it is working great on installation here. Had to do a couple of tweaks to get it where I wanted to be. I dropped the side bar on the main pages, and moved search to the footer. Other than that, pretty smooth.